I was sitting on my bed, having just cleaned up after dinner, when my mom called with the news. My Lola (grandma) had passed away. It was not a surprise for anyone, but it doesn’t avoid the emotional shock. My grandmother was a very proper and traditional woman and, while her grand daughter is only a small bit of the sort, I was determined to honour her in every way I can.

Her death is the very first intimate experience I’ve had with our funeral and burial practices.

I know nothing about the process in any culture or religion. This may all be old news to some, but here are the things I’ve learned:

1. We wear white to funerals, unlike the American standard of black.
2. The viewing is so important that funeral parlours in the Philippines have webcam setups for all us overseas who would like to partake in the observances.
3. On the 40th day after their passing, the family normally gets together and have a small party. This is traditionally when the soul is believed to leave the earth and move on.
4. We wear only neutral colours during our mourning period, which is 1 year long.

After my mom educated me on all these things, I ended up attempting to research other possible death customs on the web. I forget how large and expansive the Filipino culture can be. There are all sorts of different ways we all celebrate/mourn the death of our loved ones. I decided to stick to the above since the directions did come from Mama. I would like to assume she learned it from Lola and it would probably be what she wanted from us.

I didn’t make it to my grandma’s funeral.

I paid for my mom’s ticket so that she could go home immediately. It was the absolute least I could do. I was saddened at the thought that I couldn’t make it, but it felt more important that my mom see her mother off. I don’t believe she was able to go home to attend her father’s funeral. Her kids were too young back then. Now, she can have some extra financial support.

I don’t know if I can ever see myself calling a funeral beautiful. What was definitely beautiful was seeing our family together, with one moment, one life on their mind. It was strange viewing my Lola’s body in the casket via webcam, but it was nice to see family surround her. So many of us. So many of her friends and our friends, who had the chance to get to know my Lola. Her laugh was the best. I always remembered it as slightly senile, in the best way. I think I laugh with the same cackle. I love her so much.

All the family members work black and white. The pallbearers wore their white barongs. They threw yellow roses on top of her casket. Yellow was her favourite color. I hadn’t known that.

I wish I knew more about her, but maybe I knew all I needed to know.

On the 40th day since her death, the family in the US had a small gathering. Some of us live in the LA county. Some live in Orange county. We separately celebrated the 40th day by having lunch together. Weeks later, we gathered altogether for her birthday. We ate, we gossiped, we watched cable movies, and we prayed.

I’m not religious. I often speak against it. My Lola would’ve hated that. She always prayed for my soul because I never went to church. I’m not a disbeliever, so I prayed and hoped that she heard me.

My wardrobe has definitely changed and I’ve done a lot of creative shopping to be able to gather up enough neutral colors to revolve around the year. I normally love to wear colors. My style has changed since. I got comfortable wearing the clothes I specifically bought for the mourning period. I’ve bought a lot of used stuff from Yerdle and Poshmark. Friends have given me their unused neutral coloured clothing. It now takes up half my closet, where it used to only be a few hangers here and there. If there’s one aspect of these that will keep my grandma by my side, it’s this. I’ll always remember why I wear these colors now and after the mourning period.

I’ll wear yellow accents on her anniversaries, and hope that she hears me when I pray.