What's Your Word for 2020?

My friend runs a journaling workshop in her city that I was one day hoping to take part in. Luckily, she started a newsletter which allowed me to take part in her teachings and hopefully explore my own inner self. She also started an Instagram account dedicated to those who follow her for the purpose of journaling and conscious intent.

This past New Year, she asked this question:

I thought I would’ve spent some time thinking about it. Normally, questions like this for me are tough and requires a lot of procrastination, thought, and second-guessing.

But this time, it felt pretty clear. I even attempted to re-think the word and second guess myself, but it would not be pushed aside.

Hustle & Bustle

Somehow, really quickly, I knew exactly why.

I don’t particularly blame it on the holidays, but I think it the unusually busy life of this past season led me to this word. I’ve been spinning madly on the last few years. They’ve gone by in a flash. There’s always sounds all around me and I haven’t been able to focus and pay attention.

So, in 2020, I’m seeking quiet. Not literal quiet, but a quiet in the mind and soul that allows for some breathing room. I’m looking for space to be able to stop the world for just a little bit, to stop and smell the roses.

Internal Wars

While I could be wrong, this holiday felt a lot more conflicted and complicated than ever. Though I do believe no one person was to blame and that the bad guy existed in everyone involved, I knew that also meant I had to stop and look at myself.

It had been years since I’ve taken the time to do that, mostly because I haven’t had the space to do so.

When I started drafting this post, what I thought I meant by space was to take some me-time for myself each day. To sit in quiet with some tea or coffee or something else. But, it seems as if my life is just falling apart and space may have to mean moving out of my relationship.

2020 is a new year, new me

Or the old me come full circle, maybe. Or maybe just a new version entirely, comprised of all the old versions. I guess it depends on how you view personal evolution. Either way, it’s a rough and ugly transition that involves pain.

(I really have to stop using “new year, new me” as it’s come up in every new year post I’ve had. 2017, 2019, and now.)

Nevermind that it’s an evolution forced upon me. I do blame myself for it. I got so caught up in the day to day, got so caught up in the results I wanted that I failed to check and see… Are these realistic? Is this a real plan? Or are you just hoping to find something that sticks because it’s too hard to start over and leave precious things behind?

And again, it comes back to me that I’m here because I didn’t pay attention to my quiet. I didn’t give it time or focus. It’s been hovering behind my shoulder for many years and I haven’t given it the attention it deserves. So, I never heard the things it had been trying to tell me.

Put On A Happy Face

With text and tweets and chat, it’s easy to continue conversations while different shit is going on around you. Sometimes, you’re busy freaking out over a due date or trying to clean or panicking over travel plans that are cutting it too close. At the same time, you’ve got enough slim moments to send a funny joke, a haha and smiley face, or omg lol to someone just as this is all happening.

And they’re none the wiser about what’s really going on around you. Not because I was trying to keep up appearances necessarily, but I just didn’t feel like talking about it there. And likely never will.

One Resolution Fulfilled

I did say that I wanted to make my blog more personal again, steering away from this being more like most of today’s niched blogs and just back to what I used to enjoy. enjoy.

Maybe it’s not totally accurate to say enjoy because I’ve posted about some very personal, very painful things in the past. Things that I just didn’t have the energy to bring up to an actual friend, things that I carry on my own and can only discuss with strangers. But it does make me feel better and lighten the load when I do.

I guess I’ll stop here. The quiet is waiting.